Waiting....

What's been going on with me???? My next tests aren't until the first week of April so I'm waiting.... But I decided (with nudging from the Lord) to look at this waiting as a blessing. I have been reading and educating myself on my cancer. I am learning more about nutrition, herbs etc that can fight cancer. I have been looking in our home for possible toxins that could be stressing my body making my immune system weaker. (we are testing for radon, mold, changing our cookware to stainless steel etc). I have been enjoying this time with my husband and children, focusing on our relationships, spending extra time with them. I have slowly started to exercise again for the first time since before surgery. Right now I am just taking brisk walks and doing some light hand weights at home but it feels great to get moving. I was so sore from surgery that I was basically taking little baby steps around the house for 2 weeks. I am also glad to report that I have had NO anxiety attacks since my last blog entry. The best blessing in this waiting is what God is teaching me. At first when I found out that I wasn't going to have chemo to rid me of this cancer I was disappointed. I wanted it out of me! Now I can see it is a blessing. I now can work on nutritionally building myself up and spiritually building myself up. A verse keeps coming to my mind "This plan of mine is not what you would work out, neither are my thoughts the same as yours. For just as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours and my thoughts than yours." Isaiah 55:8. I had been praying that God would use me. I had been specifically praying that my life would exalt Him and bring Him glory. I wanted people to see that He is full of love and desires a relationship with them. I prayed that I would be a willing vessel in which others would come to know Him. I prayed that my life would make others curious about the God that I serve. I didn't want to look good in how I lived my life but the desire of my heart was that others around me would look to God, that they would come to have a relationship with the One who wants them to know Him intimately. Boy did God answer my prayer or what? I wouldn't have specifically chosen to have cancer and allow my life to be so transparent but I'm humbled that He's chosen me for this task. I've also realized that as I have prayed for answers and wanting to know what my future looks like (when will I get "sick", when will I have chemo, will I be healed before that, how long will I live? will cancer take my life?) I realized that if God just revealed those answers to me then I would stop praying about them. I would stop seeking Him. This isn't what He wants. He wants me to seek Him, sit at His feet and feel His love and presence. It's so about the relationship. As I am persistent and keep coming to Him, I learn more and more about Him. How cool is that?